Everything Good For You Will Kill You

Just when Brian thought that everything bad is good for you, it turns out that everything good is bad for you.

Vitamins? Better not buy the big container, you probably won't need that many.

Low-fat dairy foods? Fine, if you like sterility.

Garlic? Doesn't lower cholesterol, it's just tasty.

Fresh air...

When are they just going to admit that we don't have any idea what is good or bad for us? Eat what you enjoy. At some point it will probably be good for you, and if it does turn out to kill you, at least you enjoyed the trip.

Reader's Choice

Chapter One - Wherein the readers get to choose my avatar.

The other day I got bored and whipped up three rough versions of an avatar. I like them all, so I'll let you pick which one I start with. Vote in the comments. And what the hell, in honor of the Chicago municipal elections, you can vote as often as you want. One vote per comment. Anyone breaking the rules will have their votes counted twice.

(a) The obvious.

(b) Zero from Nightmare Before Christmas... but if you didn't get that already, you probably aren't voting for this one anyway.

(c) The Hunter Spot Thompson.

James Cameron is a Loon

Just read this. I don't even know where to begin. Here's just one little peek into the insanity:

He verified that the occupant of the tomb was Jesus through statistics and DNA testing. DNA testing. Seriously. I'm not making this up.

Dear Future Traffic Fatality,

I don't know you. I know that you ride a bike, which is good for the environment, so kudos. I know that you have a daughter who goes to the elementary school around the corner from my house, because I see her in the bike seat behind you. I know that you take her to school every morning. Kudos again. Parental involvent is a great thing.

Because you won't be around to hear it, let me just say now that I'm probably going to be quite distraught on the morning that I kill both of you. This morning marked the second time in less than a week that you have blown off the stop sign next to my driveway and zipped behind me as I'm pulling out into traffic. You are not alone in blowing off that stop sign. Once or twice a month, as I prepare to travel to work, I am nearly hit by a driver who has decided to cut me off and speed through the intersection, ignoring the stop sign, the white stop line, and the crosswalk that all tell them to stop before proceeding past my driveway. Here's the big difference. If they hit me, they will be forced to listen as I tediously explain the rules of the road, where one is obligated to stop at a stop sign, and who has the right of way when a driveway opens into an intersection with a three-way stop (hint: It's me!). You on the other hand, will be spared this chat, because you and your child will be rather busy being crushed under my automobile.

Now, I fully respect your right to die because of your own stupidity. Like the bicyclists who regulary speed past my blinking right turn signal to pass me on the right as I wait to turn, the other bicyclists who travel on streets that are too fast, too busy, and too narrow for them to be considered traffic instead of traffic hazards, and the other bicyclists who feel that they do not, in fact, need to wait their turn at busy intersections, you can rest assured that eventually, if you continue to play tag with cars, you will probably die. However, I object to the way you have involved your child in this scenario.

Dickhead.

Sincerely,
Deadspot

Damned Dirty Apes!

This just in: chimpanzees are arming themselves to hunt other primates. You have been warned.

Effortless

As in, I didn't put much effort into this post...



The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend from the episode Tag Sale, You're It I've been known to quote this scene on the flimsiest of excuses.

Who Could Have Seen That Coming?

Britney's back in rehab. I wonder if they have some kind of frequent-customer card she could get them to punch.