Emily Says...

I love Concrete Blonde as much as the next guy, but is Johnette Napolitano really qualified to be head of Homeland Security?

Obama And Cheney In Battle For Moral Low Ground

Attorney General Eric Holder says that this administration has made it clear from day one that it will not condone torture. Hope! Change! Hurrah! As it happens, Obama is so opposed to torture that he's already promised not to prosecute the torturers. Those of us with dictionaries will, at this point, be excused for our difficulty in reconciling Holder's comments with Obama's actions.

The torturers were, Obama reasons, just following orders, so the man has a point. Ever since Colin Powell whitewashed the Mai Lai Massacre, only foreigners are guilty when they follow orders. Americans are free to rape, murder, and mutilate civilians, as long as they get permission first.

Obama told the torturers that they should not "...be discouraged that we have to acknowledge that potentially we've made some mistakes." Potentially. He's not going to commit to calling the torture of prisoners a mistake. Let's not go crazy with the whole not condoning torture thing. The torturers have got his full support and we're going to move on. They should be proud to be members of an organization that... um... sanctions and carries out torture of prisoners, so buck up, lil torturers!

Because that's how we learn, people. We torture prisoners. And then we move on. Proudly.

Meanwhile, Cheney, speaking from his retirement home in suburban Mordor, says that what he finds disturbing about the release of the torture memos is that we didn't get to hear the success stories. Is anyone surprised that he doesn't find the actual torture disturbing? Anyone?

Damn Dirty Ape Ho

The oldest profession predates human evolution. Who knew?

Because this is a high class establishment, I will not make jokes about the following phrases found in this article:

"meat for sex"
"they have a hard time getting it on their own"
"'So we thought, why not meat and sex?'"
"sexual swellings"
"lay the foundations"
"'This has got me really interested in humans,' she said."

You'll have to post your own in the comments section.

Wait. Where Do They Keep Their Card?

"The German nudist association DFK currently has around 50,000 paid-up members, who receive an international membership card granting them access to nudist-only events."

Of course German nudists are required to have their papers in order. Was there any doubt?

No Rest For The Wicked

I've been a bad blogger. It's no excuse, but work has been more than the usual annihilating, soul-crushing grind recently. I'll get back on the horse.

I will do a Top Chef season recap, hopefully before they do the reunion and beat me to it. I started a couple of posts and found that they were just not funny. After a short hiatus, I think I'm ready to bring the funny again.

What's it all about?

Lost (Not Found)

So, yeah... remember all those guns we forgot to keep track of in Iraq? The ones that the U.S. Army shipped using a bunch of shifty Eastern European gunrunners that aren't even allowed into Iraq?

Wow. What an embarrassing fuck up that was. I mean, what kind of dumbass do you have to be to send hundreds of thousands of weapons into an unstable, war-torn region and then leave them lying around where anyone can walk off with them? It's a good thing we learned our lesson and took Gomer Pyle off security duty.

What? What's that you say?


Crap.

What's CP Been Posting?

Coaster Punchman's blog is being blocked by my work's firewall. SonicWall thinks it's a pron site. Unlike other stupid misidentifications (there was a month or so when, one after the other, all of the blogger image servers were first identified as pron servers and then cleared) this one has persisted for ages.

If you're reading this, CP, you may want to try to clear your blog. If they're blocking you, other firewalls are probably doing the same thing. Many of them subscribe to the same list of sites.

You know who I blame? Mormons. Why are they so filled with hate?