Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Weekday Update

It's 1 degree out.

The office alkie has switched to Smirnoff.

Everything I write comes out sounding like a cranky old man wrote it.

Thursday, January 24, 2008


This happens to me at least once every couple of weeks:

I open Outlook.

I see an email from flannery@(governmentinstitution).gov.

I think "Hey! I've got mail from Flan!"

I think "How did Flan get my work email?"

I remember that flannery@(governmentinstitution).gov is one of the associate editors.

I remember that the same thing happened last week.

Yeah. I'm some kind of genius.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Saturday Afternoon Phone Conversation

"Hi, Spot, I'm with the Obama campaign, and we're looking for strong Democratic leaders like you in your county. Other Democratic leaders like you have been donating $150 to the campaign. Can we count on you?"

"I don't think so."

"Why not, Spot?"

"I'm not comfortable with the way he has been getting cozy with anti-gay evangelicals. I don't think he represents the kind of progressive ideals I look for in a Democratic candidate."

(long pause)

"Oh... Um... Have a good afternoon then."

"Thanks, bye."


Thursday, January 17, 2008

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Cocktails in the Parking Lot!

So when I got to work this morning and got out of my car, I looked down and saw a single-serving Tropicana container and two of those airline-size bottles of Polar Ice vodka.

How funny and sad is that?

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Thanks For Your Opinion, John.

I don't recall giving you my email address or asking for your advice on the upcoming Democratic primary, but since we're apparently on a first name basis, Mr. Kerry, I'll let it slide this time. You were probably confused by the Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker on my car. If I may be frank, it's not so much an endorsement of you per se as it is an indication to suicidal tailgaters that whatever pushed them over the edge, it's not my fault. Iraq? Bumper sticker. FEMA? Bumper sticker. Wiretapping? Bumper sticker. Supreme Court? Bumper sticker. Not. My. Fault. Please to be crashing into a Republican, yes?

I wasn't going to say anything, but now I think I have to. It's not that you're a bad guy, John, I just think there must be someone more qualified than you on the subject of beating the Republicans. Look, it could be worse. As colossal fuckups go, you weren't as bad as Michael Dukakis or, at the risk of tasting bile for the rest of the afternoon, Ralph Nader. Still, just between you and me, John, "not as bad as Dukakis" isn't exactly a ringing endorsement of your political genius. You may want to consider the "buttoning your piehole" option the next time you think I need your political advice.

Tell you what, how about if you get back to me after you've done something more impressive than losing an election to the most hated man in America, 'kay?

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Primarily Disinterested

Psst. I don't care who people in New Hampshire vote for.

In all likelihood, the next President of the United States is going to be chosen by the actions of a few state officer holders who are sworn to ensure fair elections and who are simultaneously on the payroll of one of the campaigns in the election they are overseeing.

In the stolen 2000 "election", Florida had numerous instances of obvious election fraud. Katherine Harris was the Florida Secretary of State, the person in charge of ensuring that the Florida election was fair and carried out in a legal manner. Katherine Harris was also in charge of the Bush campaign. Bush carried the state and the national election, thanks in no small part to the actions of Ms. Harris. In a curious role reversal, in the days and weeks after the election, she acted primarily to ensure that legally cast, primarily Democratic, ballots were not counted, while illegally cast, primarily Republican, ballots were.

In 2004, Ohio suffered from systematic irregularities. Kenneth Blackwell, the Ohio Secretary of State, was chairman of Bush's re-election campaign in Ohio. Bush carried the state and the national election, and the voting irregularities were never properly investigated.

Hooray, democracy!

Why hasn't this loophole been closed yet? The Republicans have benefited from it, and the Democrats want to. In the meantime, if you want to know who is going to win the 2008 election, you might want to start looking at which campaigns have the most Secretaries of State in their pocket.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Laugh While You Can, Monkeyboy.

This just in, apes laugh.

In other news, I may have exceeded my recommended allowance of Buckaroo Banzai.