Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Yet Another Reason That I Love Having Smart Kids

"She's elaborately constructed of hatred and bile."

- My son, describing one of his teachers

At least when they complain, they complain and entertain. I've often said that sarcasm runs in my family (Mom says I get it from my dad's side), and it's nice to see that not everything skips a generation.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Net Profits

I read an interesting bit on the most recent Japanese financial crisis.

When their companies screwed up, instead of buying a portfolio of loans that might turn out to be worthless, the Japanese version of the Fed bought a portfolio of stock that might turn out to be worthless. See what they did there? Because selling stock is the way (Republicans and businessdrones should probably have learned this in Micro Econ 101, but apparently they were too busy joining a frat, doing kegstands, and crashing daddy's car...) businesses raise capital when they've screwed the pooch and would prefer not to close their doors and sell off their assets.

To make a long story short, the central bank got stock, the companies got their bailout money, and eventually many of them stopped sucking.

Then the government sold the no-longer-quite-so-worthless stocks and (and here's the bit that we may want to pay attention to) turned a profit on saving their economy. See how that works? They employed a pretty complicated economic theory, but I think I can explain it in words of one syllable: They bought low, and they sold high. Even a business major should be able to wrap his pointy little head around that.

Perhaps someone should explain this concept to the Party of HooverTM before they bankrupt our children by scooping up our tax money and making it rain for their country club buddies.

Even better? If the board continues to run their company as ineptly as it was when they got us into this mess (by, say, offering cut-rate adjustable mortgages to goldfish and soft toys), we can do something about it. Because the Fed owns stock in the company, it can vote to can their asses at the next shareholder's meeting. That's a lil performance incentive right there, yeah?

So we've already bailed out AIG. AIG is an insurance company, right? The way I see it, they owe us approximately $85 billion dollars worth of health insurance right about now. $85 billion ain't what it used to be before we let the Republicans run the economy for 8 years, but it still ought to pay a premium or two, right?

If we're laying out the quid, they'd better come up with some quo.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Postponing The Inevitable

Oldy McMoneybags would like to postpone the presidential debates, because the best way to resolve our financial woes is to not talk about them. He wants to have a big meeting about it instead, saying, "We must meet until this crisis is resolved."

Seriously? With the Party of HooverTM in charge of resolving their crisis, that's going to be one long-ass meeting.

Obama, on the other hand, says that he is still going to debate on Friday. I wonder if he's aware that a debate requires two people? Yes? Oh, well, I'm sure the dead air during McMoneybags's turns at the mike will be riveting television.

Phrase of The Day

The judges would also have accepted "abattoir-derived". Thanks for playing.

Can I go back to editing my own journal now, please?

Friday, September 19, 2008

I Heard The News Today, Oh Shit.

"The government will spend billions of dollars to buy up bad loans from financial institutions so that they can begin making new loans."

The newscaster said it. He just didn't seem to understand that it was a bad idea.

I had a long post full of piss and vinegar, but not so much of the funny, so I deleted it. Instead you get this, also short on funny, but now with 73% less vitriol.

I just want a couple of things from this bailout deal.

1. I want heads to roll.

A plan which puts the same idiots who got us into this mess in charge of getting us out of this mess is a plan which has not been well thought out. Any financial institution that takes government bailout money should have to fire their upper management and the people who get canned should be done with their careers in this field. Maybe a job in the food service industry is more suited to their talents.

2. I did not make foolish decisions. I am not happy to be paying for people who did. I'd really prefer not to pay my mortgage and theirs.

At the very least, the government should only be left holding the bag for one loan per person. If you thought you were a real estate genius and took out a bunch of bad loans, you should be screwed, moron.

3. Instead of temporarily banning short selling, how about temporarily removing the protection for personal assets given by incorporation?

Run your business into the ground, lose your mansion. Seems fair to me. In fact, it seems a little bit like poetic justice. Perhaps a little incentive not to screw over the whole economy is in order, yes?

4. I blame HGTV.

It may be because I'm in the middle of a kitchen renovation which has taken considerably longer than half an hour, but I'd like to see HGTV take all of their stupid House Flipping Realty Envy shows off the air. They were still trying to lure people into buying real estate as a get rich quick scheme when it was clear to a chimp (No offense, Dr. von Monkerstein) that the bubble had burst. What dicks.

I'd also like to see each show's last episode be an hour long special where the cast and crew get repeatedly kicked in the junk by people who lost their homes to foreclosure, but that seems like the sort of thing that would be tough to legislate.

5. Arrrr!

Keelhaul the scurvy dogs.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I'm Just Sayin'...

If we didn't want it to smack us around, we probably shouldn't have named it Ike.

Presidential, Vice

I take it all back.

Sarah Palin is totally ready to be president if Oldy McMoneybags should kick the bucket (as opposed to her role if Oldy McMoneybags kicks it old school, which is totally different and significantly less likely, but I digress).

She's got the ridiculous views on education.

She's got the requisite certainty coupled with complete ignorance that has become our foreign policy trademark.

She's destroyed a small town's economy.

And she's finally passed her final test, stonewalling an ethics investigation.

Bravo, Sarah, bravo.

Friday, September 12, 2008

In The Rectory?

I thought you were supposed to snort it.