Bacon Is Nice

Butternut squash soup, Spike? Are you kidding me? You think serving hot, runny baby food at a high-end charity gala is going to win Top Chef?

The judges clearly have their heads up their asses again. Scaly boil-in-a-bag mushfish is less of a sin than adding rosemary to mushrooms? Don't get me wrong, Skater Zoi was not going to win this thing. Still, it's tough to argue that her team didn't season anything, and that her seasoning was the biggest problem of the night without looking like an asshole. See how those are kind of opposites? See? Because if there's no seasoning... then how is the...? seasoning...? You're not listening anymore, are you?

If your celebrity guests are picking scales out of their mouths at the table (Salmon is seafood! See? Food! Ha! That joke kills in third grade.) because Dick Fauxhawk made a Cooking 101 error, you pretty much have to send him home, no matter how much you have riding in the Last Fauxhawk Standing pool. Tom... dude... when it comes to seasonings, I will always prefer rosemary to fish scales. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

I want to see them do a couple of rounds of blind testing where they don't know who made each dish. Then again, I'd like to see them call the losers in first once in a while just to shake things up. "You thought you won? Ha! You suck! Go home loser!"

DAAle the Designated Asian Asshole makes me laugh. Did you see him holding his crotch when he was going off on Piercing Girl? What a tool. He didn't look like a tough guy, he looked like he really had to pee.

Here's the thing, DAAle. I love hot spicy stuff. Your chili stuff sounded like a winner. Chilis are good. I like chilis. ...but bacon is trumps this round. Bacon, I think you'll find, is trumps every round. Bacon is lord... god... king of ingredients. As soon as she said bacon, you were up against it, but when she busted out a totally new technique for cooking bacon that the judges had never seen before, you were just plain fucked. The proper response at that point is "Thank you for letting me be on your team, Piercing Girl," not "I'm a bitter little man! Rawr!"

While we're on the subject of your poor judgement, DAAle, deviled eggs? Really? That was your idea? Deviled eggs? I mean... I get it. Devil. Fire. I see what you did there. Let me explain where you went wrong, as someone who has actually eaten them. Let's set aside, for now, the fact that deviled eggs are perfectly appropriate for say, a family reunion, or for Yogi Bear to find in a pic-a-nic basket, but not quite so appropriate for a gala charity event. Just put that out of your head and let's look at the challenge. Deviled eggs are cool and creamy little morsels of eggy, mustardy goodness, but your element was Fire. "Cool", "creamy", and "fiery" are not, generally speaking, adjectives that go together. Piercing Girl was far too kind. I would have thwapped you in the forehead with a spoon for suggesting that, dumbass.

You know, maybe he wasn't trying to look like a tough guy, maybe he was just trying to protect his junk. Which, come to think of it, is probably a good idea. If Piercing Girl had thrown down, she would have kicked his ass. DAAle is lucky she was all blissed out on bacon and tickets to Italy.

Next week, somebody cooks some stuff, somebody pointlessly flips out despite being totally and completely wrong, and somebody goes home! You heard it here first!





...oh, and bubblebath porn. Sure. After they break up the lesbians. Thanks, Bravo, thanks for nothing.