Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Gratuitous Shower Scene

Dude. Not Cool.
Sexy Pants and Crabman explain to the cameraman that they both have significant others back home, so ixnay on the akingmay outway otsshay. Start the clock... Countdown to the scene that triggers their breakups with the at-home players begins now.

Return of the Taste-off
The chefs play Name That Ingredient. This challenge is a good idea still looking for a good format. This version is not so much about who has the better palatte as it is about who wins the coin toss, who can play the other contestant, and most importantly, who has made this particular dish before.

They made some effort to standardize the challenge level by making each pair work with the same dish each round, but there are again some stupid inconsistencies in the challenge level. They ask what kind of basil is in the curry (Oh, really? They used Thai basil in green curry? What a twist! Someone call M. Night Shamalan.) but "salt" and "pepper" are specific enough to count as ingredients. "Salt." Really? They use salt when they cook? No shit? Still, there are some amusing mistakes, like when Chutney guesses chili powder is an ingredient in curry. I laughed and laughed.

It gets down to the last three, and it's Bork, Crabman, and Stretch. Ha! Stretch blows the very first ingredient. She should have guessed salt. Crabman wins and, not for the last time tonight, Bork looks like he just ate a bug.

House
They get back to the house and Bork goes all creepy uncle on Starbuck. Stretch is there to help fend him off. Dude... boundaries.

A Little Something Something
The chefs are going to cater a bridal shower for Gail and all her Food and Wine friends. The chefs are divided up into teams of "something old" (Bork, Hair Product, and Crabman), "something new" (Top Dishwasher, Stretch, and Bobby with the Stupid Beard), "something borrowed" (Starbuck, Chutney, and Jersey Girl), and "something blue" (Luigi, The Mouse, and Sexy Pants).

The Oldies will work with heirloom tomatoes. Surprise! Bork is a dick. He's going bitch about Hair Product's tomato sorbet nonstop for the rest of the show, except when he takes a short break to tell the other teams how they should be making their dishes. Hair Product thinks Bork is a tool, and Crabman has immunity, so Bork might as well be talking to a wall, or... you know, blogging for the Dead Spot.

The Newbies will make Surf N Turf Sushi. Stretch doesn't like the idea but doesn't say anything. Sound strategy, Stretch. That's always worked out so well in past episodes. Honestly, do any of the contestants watch the show before they audition? Back at the house, Top Dishwasher has a brainstorm. Deconstructed Sushi. Bobby Stupid Beard loves the idea. (Has he ever not loved anything this whole season? I think he might have a skepticism deficiency. He should get that checked out.) Stretch says nothing. Bobby Stupid Beard "helps" Stretch by hiding some mushrooms that he found under her salad. He's lucky there's not a spare salad fork, or it's going to end up in his eye.

The Borrowers borrow a cuisine from Chutney and a secret ingredient from Starbuck to make Indian-inspired marinated lamb with raita and carrot mush. Go get a drink. Chutney's going to make her mandatory "not just the Indian chef" speech. Jersey Girl cooks the lamb. A little. Then she cooks it some more, and Starbuck kindly refrains from stabbing her to death while the clock runs down, probably because it would mean that they would then only have 11 people to plate. When Jersey Girl finally finishes, all of the other chefs dive in to help plate, and they literally finish plating at the buzzer.

You know, on the off chance that rules will be important this episode.

Team Blue goes with seafood, because blue food is hard to come by unless you're Veruca Salt. You know, the Willy Wonka character, not the band. She turned blue from chewing defective gum. Yes, there was too a band. They did that Seether song. ...and that other song where they talk about the fact that they sang Seether. I seem to have strayed off point.

Service Up!
Hair Product owns Bork. His sorbet is the highlight of the round, although Crabman's gazpacho shooters looked pretty tasty to me too. Bork's dish was the low point for his team, and Bork's bug is even bigger and wrigglier than the last one.

Top Dishwasher forgot to explain how to eat their Sushi Gesundheit, but that's the least of their worries. Dude, if I may? If you have to explain how to eat food, you probably need to simplify. A little tip from me to you. No charge. The bigger problem? Their food is just bad, and Gail is pissed.

Starbuck and the rest of Team Borrowed save the day. Hey, Bork. Just for future reference, that's what an ass whipping looks like. Is there any doubt that they won this?

Team Blue relies on the fact that Gail's cougary friends will wet themselves over Luigi's accent and smarm and forget to taste the food. They do get all schoolgirl giggly when Luigi tells them that they're all byootifool, but the nursing home fish brings them crashing back to earth.

Why U Gotta B A H8r?
The fix is in, and Jersey Girl's Lamb Interminable takes the win. Poor Starbuck, always the bridesmaid and never the bride. You know whose fault that is, don't you? That's right. Fucking Mormons...

New and Blue get called in. The old people food was bad, but not as bad as the sushi, so it's the end of the line for Top Dishwasher, Stretch, or Bobby Stupid Beard. Top Dishwasher is gutted. Stretch says that she didn't like the idea, but refuses to throw Bobby over the bus for dragging her dish down with his last minute addition. I admire her show of character (Really, I do, all sarcasm aside. I would have crucified the moron if he'd survived long enough to see the judges.), but let's face it: even if he hadn't screwed up her salad, she made a salad. Bobby Stupid Beard is clinically upbeat in the face of disaster.

The judges know the score even if Stretch didn't say anything. Bobby's lack of critical judgement is the deciding factor, and we're out of Bobs.

Next week: Save your cigarettes and sharpen your toothbrush; it's Prison Chow with Martha Stewart.

5 comments:

SouthernBelle said...

Brilliant as per ushe.

The Italian is my favorite, first for arking up when he thought he was on the chopping block and now for seducing an entire bridal shower.

xx
Belle

Natalie said...

When oh when will Starbuck win a challenge? Oh, I just started watching Battlestar a few weeks ago and...right on with that one.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Luigi and Bork must be stopped, unless they want to rename the show "Top Eurotrash."

deadspot said...

Aw, thanks, Belle. I did enjoy it when Luigi got all defensive when he was one of the winning chefs, but my god, he's a camera hog. I don't think he's good enough to merit the amount of time the show devotes to him.

I know, right? It was driving me crazy trying to figure out who she reminded me of, and then about three weeks in I was like "Ohhhhhhhh. Of course." I love Battlestar Galactica, but could their new ads be any more boring? I can't imagine anyone who isn't already a fan watching the ads and deciding to watch the show.

I've always thought that Bork was kind of an overbearing dick, but he was just creepy this week. Ick. Ick. Ick.

GETkristiLOVE said...

I can't read this until after I watch, but I liked to you!