A Series of Improbably Stupid Events

Yeah, I saw the Heroes finale. Spoiler alert: I'm going to rant.

Allow me to suggest that if the writers can't do better than that, it's time for them to end their strike and nip off down to the Learning Annex for a workshop or something. If your plot relies entirely on a large number of otherwise intelligent people suddenly acting in bizarrely stupid ways, you may very well have gone astray. I have suggested in the past that my opinion of the average person is fairly low, but even I couldn't buy a fraction of the deuxfus ex machina that was unveiled last night.

If you tivoed the episode, stop reading now.



"Peter Petrelli! Yataaaaah! It's your pal Hiro! Remember me? We saved the world together this summer! I'm a fairly trustworthy guy, right? Yeah... well, don't trust that guy you busted out of prison. You know, the guy on the cross-country killing spree? He's going to release the virus."

"Duh! Peter smash!"

"You know... the virus that's going to wipe out the human race... the one that's been sitting here undisturbed in a secure storage facility in the middle of Bumblefuck, Texas, for decades? The one that's going to be released today, the very same day that you and Skippy show up? That's kind of a coincidence, hunh? Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?"

"Braiiiiiiins..."

"Tell you what. Why don't we hang out, watch the vault, and if anyone other than your friend the immortal homicidal maniac over there tries to screw with it, I'll stop time and we'll take care of it? Sound like a plan?"

"Durrrrr."

"What's that, Petey? Your girlfriend's fallen down a future dystopian hellhole? Wow, that sucks. If only you knew someone who could travel through time to go get her. Know anyone like that? Anyone? No?"

"Grah!"

"You're testing my patience, Peter Petrelli. I'm just going to scamper off to Wal-Marts for a gun. I'll be right back. It won't take me a second. Literally! Ha! See how that works? Because... I... never mind."

"I like eggs!"

"You're going to zap me, aren't you? Sigh. Fine, do what you've gotta do, Einstein, but you may want to remind your pal Skippy that he can't move around when I stop time, and that the next time he pulls a sword on me, we're going to find out if he can regenerate from being julienned, 'kay?"

Or how about that Dr. Suresh? Not looking like such a brainiac this episode is he? As a web-certified genius, let me point out just a few of the flaws in his performance last night.

At the very most basic level, if too much of the cure is going to kill the gun-toting mutant sociopath intent on murdering you and everyone around you, then you should probably consider the option of keeping your mouth shut and cheerfully upping his dosage instead of warning him about the potential side effects.

And if, by some chance, you lose your fucking mind and decide not to give him a massive overdose, you may want to consider buying some time by telling him that he has a strain of the virus that you've never seen before and it's going to take you a while to come up with a compatible cure, instead of spilling your guts and telling him that by an unbelievable coincidence you have the cure right there, in that container over there on the floor. Because, as you may recall, he's planning to kill you as soon as you cure him.

And in the unlikely circumstance that he gets blasted through a plate-glass window before he gets the chance to kill everyone, you should probably tell Veronica Mars there that he's really not going to be all that difficult to follow, even with a five-second head start, if she just follows the trail of blood.

Crazy Nikki started out OK by pistol whipping the mad arsonist instead of listening to his shit. But then she got all "trapped in a burning building" because a beam fell at an angle across a hall. Get a pencil and paper. I'll wait. Draw a right angle. Make the vertical side tall and the horizontal side short, like (for example) the wall and floor of a hallway. Now, connect the ends with a diagonal line. That's what Pythagoras calls "the hypotenuse", and it's played in this case by the fallen beam. See all that open space under the beam? Hey, Nikki, did it occur to you to duck and lean to the left? It occurred to me.

And this last bit is just for the writers. While we're on the subject of you being bad at your job, could you remind me again how it is, exactly, that the characters know how to kill the Amazing Immortal Regenerating Man, seeing as there's only one of him and he isn't, strictly speaking, actually dead yet? Did you think that bit through? Didn't think so.

Speaking of not thinking things through, since you went out of your way to tell us over and over again that the immortal regenerating guy can only be killed by shooting him in the head, you probably should have reconsidered the scene where you use regeneration to bring the cheerleader's dad back from the dead after shooting him in the head. That's either a huge continuity problem or Richard Scarry's Most Obvious Foreshadowing Ever. Either way, you suck.