Friday, November 21, 2008

Hot Damn!

Yadda yadda, New York. Yadda, yadda, classic food. Yadda, yadda, first! time! evah! The chefs will have to cook against a professional hot dog vendor in the Quickfire.
A) Puh-lease. Like New Yorkers know anything about hot dogs. I've heard that those philistines put ketchup on them.
B) What's the big deal? If the vendor wins, will they kick someone off and let her compete? No? Then it's exactly like every other Quickfire, except you're eating a hot dog at the end.

Everyone else makes their lumpy, malformed Frankendogs from scratch, but Pippi Longstocking cuts up a store-bought hot dog and serves it in a... salad-y... spring roll-y sort of thing? At least she cut it on the bias, which makes it so much cheffier than cutting straight across. I wonder if she had enough time to make a box of mac and cheese, because I know this dish I could teach her...

Most of them failed to learn from Army Wife that bacon, the King of Meats, will not be enough to save them this season. It seems like every other "hot dog" contains bacon. I guess it can't hurt, though. Bacon is nice.

Bork makes a World Dog a panini press ...with tartar sauce. Really? He's going to need more than one German beer on the side to keep them from remembering how much that sucked.

Chutney continues her quest not to be pigeonholed as The Indian Chef by winning immunity with her... um... Indian Kebab Dog.

Luigi is a huge D&D fan or something, because he just can't shut up about dragons and princesses. Hey, Luigi, roll a d20 to see if I care.

Back at the House
We get back to the house and Luigi's still talking shit about dragons. Apparently he thinks that if he keeps talking, nobody will figure out that Chutney kicked his ass in the Quickfire.

Elimination Round
They're going to Open! A! Restaurant! What the hell? Restaurant Wars already? What is going on this season? Luigi stops yammering about dragons long enough to tell us that he's opened 50 restaurants in 3 years, or some absurd shit like that. Ouch, dude, maybe if they didn't suck, they might have stayed open longer.

Psyche. They're just serving lunch! In a pre-existing! Restaurant! That's pretty much the same thing, right? No? What's the deal with all of the excessive hype for ordinary events? We need 5 starters, 5 entrees, and 5 desserts, and Hair Product shows us what a take-no-crap, take-charge kind of guy he is by... um... politely asking people what they want to make?

Look out, soccer moms in the grocery store! The chefs are on meth! The chefs are in a hurry, and they feel like they're entitled to act like assholes in public is what he's trying to say, I think.

Crabman is going to make his famous Fresh Dungeness Crab Salad because he's just so damn good at seafood. What's that? No Dungeness? ...his famous Fresh Some Other Kind Of Crab Sala... What? Really? ...his famous Canned Whatever the Hell Is In This Can Salad. Because otherwise, he tells us, he might have to come up with a new plan on the fly. Oh, this should be entertaining.

Some cooking happens and they're serving lunch at Craft to a bunch of cooks who weren't good enough to be on the show, and oh, sure, now that they're in his restaurant, Chef Raddichio is suddenly all worried about double-dipping. Douchebag.

Jersey Girl tells us that she is going to be so pissed off at the other competitors if her Lemon Meringue is as terrible as everyone seems to think it is. Because it's their fault she can't cook? Something like that. It has a cookie in the bottom, she tells us. Well OK, then.

Spoiler alert: New York chefs are petty little camera-hogging whiners when they don't get their shot at 15 minutes of fame.

Starbuck's corn soup with chili oil sounds tasty to me, and the judges like it too.

I bet that guy wishes he'd saved his "dog food" comment now that he's seen Top Dishwasher's deconstructed meatloaf sandwich.

Ha! Padma lays the smack down on Chutney's avocado goo. "Yeah. You can tell she has immunity, or she wouldn't have made avocado mousse." Sue thinks Gail just called her Erotica, which is pretty funny, but I'm sticking with Chutney.

Padma shows us her WTF face and spits Jersey Girl's Lemon Insulin Shock into her napkin.

Stretch's tart and Starbuck's soup win praise, but Luigi's raw meat slays the dragon! Because there were olives on it. Those must have been some great olives, that's all I'm sayin', because cows were not meant to be sashimi.

Ha! Crabman thought his Canned Whatever the Hell Is In This Can Salad was one of the winners. What a doofus.

In the end, Pippi's incoherent defense of her Quiche Gluante d'Autruche knocks her out, and Jersey Girl survives for another round of Top Debater. Her food's spat out, but she moves on again. You're not ever gonna keep her down.

As Jersey Girl sobs the obvious, "I don't deserve to be here," in the back room, we close with words of comfort from Stretch. "There are no accidents in the universe." Wait. Her uncanny resemblance to Jar Jar Binks is on purpose? Damn. The universe is a bitch!

Next Week: Thanksgiving and Combattants de Foo!


SouthernBelle said...

Ha! You are awesome, deadspot.

But I'm sorry, I love that Italian. Him vigorously defending his dish only to realize he was in the top 3 was the highlight of the show.

Also, canned seafood=fail. Have these people never watched past seasons?

Dale said...

Hilarious, I made a Jar Jar comment on Beckeye's blog after show 1 I think. "Lemon Insulin Shock" nearly made me spit. Luckily I have no salivary glands.

vikkitikkitavi said...

I am the only one who thought Miss Indian Soap Opera's spitting out of the food was a desperate plea for attention? Sort of like marrying the old fatwa novelist dude, only less financially lucrative.

GETkristiLOVE said...

I can't wait until I visit Jax again in Boulder and ask them what the hell Hossea is doing buying crab in a yogurt carton?!

I posted an IM session between me and my sis and we talk about Top Chef towards the bottom.

deadspot said...

Thanks, Belle. I thought that was funny too.

That was what I like to call an homage, Dale, because it sounds so much nicer than theft.

I don't know, Vikki. The other chefs seemed to think it was pretty horrible too, and since when does a gorgeous model have to plead for attention? Personally, I'd probably watch this show even if it was "Padma Lakshmi Eats Food." (I understand that they're spinning that off on Bravo next season.)

I can't wait to see what happens the next time he runs into trouble. Improvising is a pretty big part of this competition, and he may just be a total train wreck if he's willing to risk elimination with canned seafood instead of coming up with an alternative.