Thursday, February 8, 2007

I am a Hippo... potamus?

One day after whining about people who come to work sick, I'm at work. Sick. Go me. I've just got to get a couple of things done, and then I'm back home, leaving a trail of pestilence in my wake.

The Hippopotamus Story

So way back in the day, on nice spring days, the Library Quad at Eastern would be taken over by crazoid fundies with clever names like Brother Jim or Brother Jed, who would harangue passers-by about their sinful, whoremongering ways. Now, I wasn't exactly sure what a whoremonger was, but since he seemed to think I was one, I thought I might as well stick around and get some helpful hints. As Mae West said, "Whenever I'm faced with choosing between two evils, I always try to choose the one I haven't tried yet." ...or something like that.

Having been raised by crazoid fundies myself (Hi, Mom!), it was always enormous fun to heckle them. (On another day, I'll tell you the story of how Brother Jed nearly received a beating because of me and my smart ass comments, but I'm not telling that story today, oh gentle readers.) One day, one of the Brothers had made the mistake of handing out his leaflets before he told his little story. As I idly glanced over one discarded on the quad, I realized that he was following it pretty much verbatim, in full-on, over-the-top, televangelist voice complete with those dramatic pauses that are supposed to be ...err... dramatic. As it turned out, they made him sound a little bit like Shatner was playing a televangelist, and they were perfect for turning his performance into the Rocky Horror Picture Show version of his story.

Reading ahead (which always got me in trouble in school, but was damned useful here), I looked for places he would probably raise his voice and pause expectantly (in a sort of "Can I get an Ay-men?" way, but a little less needy, or at least, in a more midwestern white guy sort of way...). Now many of these were only funny because I got a couple of friends to join me:

Brother #1: "He leee-uved ovah a bicyle shop..." *pause for effect*

Chorus: "Like the Wright Brothers."

You probably had to be there.

But one brought the house down... or would have, if we had been in a house instead of, as I may have mentioned, been sitting on the Library Quad. But you probably knew what I meant.

As I scanned ahead, looking for amusing things to interject, I came across the word hypocrite, and I knew he couldn't resist taking a Shat there. He reached the climax of his story:

Brother #1: "...And thayut was when Ah reuhlized that my fuhreeund was a hypo..." *pause for effect*

Deadspot: "pottamus."

*general laughter*

Exeunt Chorus, triumphant.


Johnny Yen said...

Oh,I long for the days of "Jed-baiting." Remember his wife "Sister Cindy," the former disco whore?

What's a whoremongerer? Isn't a mongerer someone who hordes something? Were you the one hording all the whores there at Eastern?

Oh, wait, I forgot... it was Andreas.

deadspot said...

Sister Cindy! I was trying to remember her name.

You were probably already gone before the real whackjob showed up with the huge cross, the silent wife, and the dismal children. That wasn't fun. That was just sad. I can't remember his name either.

Johnny Yen said...

That wasn't Brother Jim, was it? The one who got in a fistfight with the other religious nut?

deadspot said...

No this was some other guy... although now that you mention it, I vaguely remember there being some sort of confrontation between the Brothers Gang and the dude with the cross.

Johnny Yen said...

Yes, it was the dude with the cross! There were pictures of it in the yearbook that year.

Remember when Bob Buehler carried the cross into Joe Butler's impeachment? That was street theater at its best. In fact the whole silly party thing was just the shit.

Chris said...

We had guys like this at U of I as well. The one I remember was Brother Max (Lynch?). He used to talk about beating his contemptuous wife with his bible. They were always good for a laugh in between classes.

Flannery Alden said...

Fundamentalists...they're not just for breakfast anymore!

Anonymous said...

man, there's just some people you can't pause to take a breath around... thank gawd!!