The Unknowable Complexity Of Franks N Beans

Lia is officially my new favorite chef. When the judges start busting her chops for not raising and slaughtering her own chickens or some shit like that, she comes back with a deadpan "I guess I just hadn't realized the complexity of franks and beans." Ho, snap! Oh no she din't! Oh yes she did! But once again, I'm getting ahead of myself...

You Know The Formula
Montage of the chefs waking up, random generic comments about how it's really a competition now, and then off to the Quickfire. Today's secret ingredient: Catch-your-own shellfish! An aquarium full of shellfish, 60 seconds, 1 cheap little fish tank net, go!

Hung goes at it like a madman, drops a crayfish on the floor, and refuses to pick up after himself. What a dick! Lia doesn't like him and neither do I. Tre only ends up with a handful and blames his tools, which is, as they say, the mark of a bad workman. Everybody else manages to get plenty of shellfish with the wonky little net. The problems don't end there. Micah says she's worked with conch before, but apparently has no idea how the get the conch out of its shell and goes after it by trying to hammer a pair of kitchen shears into it. Others just say to hell with the conch and they live to um... well, be eaten later. Brian the Talking Dog says he'll lose his job if he doesn't win this Quickfire, because he's all about the seafood. Hung can't help running his mouth and says his monkey could make simple seafood.

Holy Gotham Bar and Grill, Batman! It's Alfred Portale.

The bottom dishes are Micah, not enough conch... her Iron Kitchen Shears Technique wasn't as strong as she thought; Tre, not enough seafood at all; and Camille Who?, too much tea.

Lurch is in the top three. Tiny Bald Howie does well with a ceviche, and gets praise but no immunity. Finally, Hung's monkey must be a better cook than Hung, because Brian wins the Quickfire and Hung is nowhere to be seen. Brian makes the now-obligatory "I'll still try hard, even though I have immunity" speech.

Hungry Like The Elk
The Elimination Round is to remake a classic comfort food for two generation of Miami Elks. Elks? Elk? The more you type it, the weirder that word looks... Their goal is to make the dishes healthier and reduce the amount of cholesterol. The chefs pick a dish from those provided in reverse order from the Quickfire, so Hung goes last. He feels the need to smack talk comfort food. His family ate steamed fish and vegetables. That couldn't possibly have been bland and disgusting, I'm sure. Sara says she has no idea what Chicken Ala King is. Wait a second, wasn't she asian last week?

Somehow Hung ends up with fried chicken, despite going last. How easy is that to redo? Do these guys have no imagination?

We'll shop, cook, and Release the Elk!

Brian whips up lobster stuffed cabbage. Uh... because lobster reduces cholesterol? Wha?

Last Mohawk Standing says he should have no problem winning this. He is all about the remaking classic comfort food. He remakes chicken and dumplings by making pirogies out of instant mashed potatoes and store-bought rotisserie chicken. Uh, genius, if you want to make mashed potatoes cook faster, cut the potatoes into smaller pieces. A little tip from me to you, no extra charge. Lurch can't believe he's using potatoes from a box.

Tiny Bald Howie whips up pork chops with some kind of apple slaw for his poor dead dad. Let's try saying it with a bad Brady accent... Pork Chahps and Apple Shlaw. Nope. It's not any funnier that way. He'd better hope he doesn't dry it out this time.

Lurch makes some kind of revolting Klingon Tuna Pile with a flax seed cracker on top. The judges will love this, saying that it shows a good understanding of how to reduce cholesterol. Yeah. Lipitor reduces cholesterol too, but crunching it up on top of some nasty green shit doesn't make it food.

Hung turns off Sara's oven when he's done making his nasty chicken skin with rendered fat things, leaving her with undercooked chicken. What a dick! She dishes up a salmonella skewer with a side of cat barf. I could swear she was asian last week...

Lia hates being in the middle because she's getting no feedback. Funny you should mention that, Lia... She buys chicken sausage and lentils. Apparently, crazy idea here, she wants to make something that viewers might actually make at home. If they, you know, like undercooked lentils.

Micah makes crunchy meatloaf with a sundried tomato on top and a nasty aftertaste, because we amuricans loves us some ketchup. The judges are offended that she made an assumption about what "you Americans" like, and then repeatedly do the same themselves.

Thunderdome: 13 Chefs Enter, 12 Chefs Leave!
The Elkses eat and fill out comment cards. The judges kvetch and moan, and we're off to the judges table. Ah! There are TWO Saras. Someone should have a word with the producers about that. The judges hate the too-literal interpretation of the dishes by the chefs, except for Second Sara, whose dish they hate for not being literal enough... but strangely enough, not for the fact that it looks like animal sick. Apparently she needs more cowbell. Or peas. One or the other, I forget.

Howie and Mohawk Dale are the tops. Chef Radicchio (thanks, Vikki!) finally rats out Dale for using instant taters. Nobody could tell the difference, but apparently the company isn't a sponsor, because they blurred out the logo while Dale was cooking. You have to wonder if the producers tried to shake them down for a few bucks when they found out how well he did. I bet they did. Still, Howie wins one for his poor dead dad. He is invited to spend a week cooking at Batman's house, and Joey has to eat a little crow. Hey, I have an idea for the next Quickfire challenge....

Hung has the Preparation H 'Everybody Needs An Asshole' Producers' Immunity for this round and doesn't even get put into the bottom three, err... four, I mean... WTF? bottom FIVE?... even though he sabotaged another chef.

Yes, bottom five, because the judges feel the need to call Brian on the carpet for thumbing his nose at the challenge, then send him back before finishing the judging.

Micah pleads ignorance on the subject of meatloaf.

Lurch's cuisine escapes the Wrath of Tom, even though it tastes like health food and looks like a prop from a low budget sci-fi film.

Second Sara says they don't have Chicken Ala King in Jamaica, although I don't think they normally eat pet vomit there either.

The judges bring it, but Lia sends it back untasted. You go, girl!

At the end of the day, Micah's is the worst of the bunch and they send her home. She says she would rather be back home with her daughter, who she brought to this country in a suitcase or something. Wait... what?

No Top Chef this week, because we amuricans loves us some 4th of July. Try the meatloaf... with ketchup. It's a vegetable, you know.