Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Marketplace Is Not the News

An open letter to the folks at Marketplace:

Hi, guys. My local NPR station just swung a little farther to the right by picking up your program and I couldn't be more happy that I stopped contributing after their pathetic cheerleading in the run up to the invasion of Iraq. At least they aren't pissing away any of my money on your show. Your cheesy production values and poorly-disguised business PR fluff pieces run as legitimate news stories are a disgrace to the once proud institution of public radio.

Please pass these notes along to your "correspondents" regarding this morning's broadcast:

Hey, Elizabeth Wynne Johnson, on nationally-syndicated radio this morning, you used the phrase "Cloak of Inflammability" to describe the application of fire retardant to the homes of the ultra wealthy in fire-threatened areas...

a) That word doesn't mean what you think it means.

b) I know you love Harry Potter, but wizard please...

c) The real story here isn't that the insurance companies are protecting the homes of the ultra wealthy, but that if you aren't ultra wealthy, they're perfectly willing to let your stuff burn. Because they hate you.

d) You're not very smart.

Hey, Jeremy Hobson, the middle class is not shrinking because they are all getting richer, dumbass. Somebody kick him in the balls for me.

Maybe Helen Palmer could do it, since she did a story on how middle class Americans have to fly to Cuba to afford health care... if the story hadn't been a thinly-veiled scare piece threatening them with fines and jail time if they try to evade the clutches of Big Medicine. I hope you enjoyed that check from the HMO industry. Don't spend it all in one place. You may need it if something was to... 'appen to you.

And finally, can you jackasses stop talking about the sub-prime lending crisis as if it is a bad thing? Look, they were lending money that they didn't have, for less than it cost them to borrow, to people that couldn't pay them back. The only way they could make money off this deal is by bankrupting the poor bastards that took their loans and seizing their assets. These lenders deserve to lose money in a big way. And for all of the assholes who tried to make a quick buck off these predators, and the banks that supported them and benefited from these Shylocks? Caveat emptor, caniculae.

8 comments:

Flannery Alden said...

Wizard please! Hee! I'm stealing this.

deadspot said...

New catchphrases... just one of the many services we offer here at the Dead Spot.

Doc said...

If you need someone to kick Mr. Hobson in the balls, I would be more than happy to oblige.

Doc

BeckEye said...

I love kicking people in the balls. Just point me in his direction.

deadspot said...

I'm going to be in New York in October, but I think I may need to set some ground rules...

Writeprocrastinator said...

"I know you love Harry Potter, but wizard please.."

Best line this week!

So that's how out of touch I am, eh? National Public Radio has gone info-tainment on us? Miracle ovens that blast our abs, save us closet space, make pesto, bedazzle our jeans, and cook us meals in mere minutes?

vikkitikkitavi said...

I don't know what you mean about MarketPlace tending right. They let Robert Reich do a piece at least once a month. And they make sure to identify him as a former member of the Clinton administration, just in case listeners should get any ideas that he might know what he's talking about.

deadspot said...

My local NPR station has a policy against letting a labor organization sponsor a labor news show, but they'll let stock brokers sponsor business news. Like they don't have a vested interest there...

I swear that some of these "news stories" come unedited straight from corporate PR offices.