Friday, April 13, 2007

Family Swap, Next on Fox

Hey, everyone, meet my new Uncle Fafo. I got him from Tanya Espana for a third-round draft pick and a relative to be named later. It turns out Tanya is my identical cousin from Canadia. Who knew?

For a limited time only, you too can become a member of my family by sharing one of your relatives, or you can simply foist off one of your relatives on me. The ideal relative will be low-maintenance, have entertaining stories (either stories to tell me or for me to tell about them, I'm not picky), and be far enough away that we won't actually be expected to drop in on each other. Hop over to the comments section and start negotiating now!

I still have my former brother-in-law Jimmy the Terrible up for grabs. He's actually much quite a bit ...err... slightly more tolerable now that we've housebroken him and he's stopped peeing in the garage. For some reason, Tanya didn't want him... but I'm sure someone will. Every family needs a good black sheep.

I have a nephew in a punk band, but I'm keeping him unless a really good offer comes along. Teenagers who are influenced by the Dead Kennedys and the Ramones are hard to come by.


vikkitikkitavi said...

You can have my Aunt Jane. She is not low-maintenance really, but she will go years without speaking to you at all due to some perceived slight, so it all kind of washes out in the end.

She does have some entertaining stories, although most of them involve the ways in which her mother always favored her brother over her, and that can get a tad predictable.

Did I mention she's not a drunk? And that she's never been in jail, or committed a crime other than speeding? And how she does have a soft spot for animals, and other underdogs of the world.

So she does have her good points. I just can't stand playing "guess my offense" with her anymore.

Johnny Yen said...

I'd give you my brother Dean, the drunken rightwing jagoff, but, well, I'd like to stay friends with you.

Tanya Espanya said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Keep your crummy Jimmy. But your nephew sounds okay. What's the story on your kids?

deadspot said...

She sounds like she might already be a relative Vikki. I know my ancestors passed through Indiana on their way here, so there's an outside chance...

Hmm. I'm not sure, Johnny. I am still carrying Jimmy on the roster. It might be worth it.

My kids are funny, athletic, smart, sarcastic, and disrespectful. They're far cooler than I was at their age. They are either staying out of serious trouble (unlike me) or are good at pulling the wool over everyone's eyes (a lot like me). Until I find out which, I think I'll keep them.

Coaster Punchman said...

I hereby bequeath you Rich.

deadspot said...

Thanks, CP. I think I have several relatives that he can hang with. He'll fit right in.

I just thought of another relative I can unload if anyone is interested: My "Uncle" Freddie. He's not really an uncle but some kind of relative that only genealogy software can reliably identify, but Uncle will do for now.

Uncle Freddie got rid of Irish Ancestor's revolutionary war sword and musket in the fifties a) to pay off a gambling debt, b) because his wife was tired of having it in the closet, or c) because he's kind of a dumbass.

There are conflicting stories, but my money is on c.

I'd toss in my Grandma Storm for giving it to him, but a) she's dead, b) I always liked the old bird despite her poor judgement, and c) How cool is it to have a Grandma Storm?