Heresy

I'm not wild about our presidential candidates' chances.

Don't hate me.

Have you seen the Republicans' numbers? Wow, those assholes are screwed. They have drunk deep from the River Suck. We'd have to do something monumentally boneheaded to blow this next election. So why am I already getting depressed, aside from the real possibility that they might just steal yet another election?

Because what we really need to do this election is to kick their ass hard. I mean, really, really crush them; get their faces down in the dirt and just grind it in. We need to put our foot on their neck and keep those fuckers out of power for at least the next twenty or thirty years, because it is going to take a long time for those right-wing assholes on the Supreme Court to die, and it would be just spiffing if we could hold onto the other branches in government to keep them on a short leash while we wait. I don't know about you, but I'd like my kids to still have a few civil liberties left when they're my age. I'd feel good about that.

If we want to hold onto power for twenty or thirty years instead of four or eight, we're going to have to convert some middle-of-the-road Republicans into middle-of-the-road Democrats. There are a lot of disillusioned Republicans right now. If we can get them to vote Democrat and not have it all turn to shit, then there is a good chance that they'll re-elect the person they voted for. And then, well, they've been voting Democratic for almost a decade... if they still like the person they elected twice, they might vote for another Democrat. That's how you stay in power.

So who are the Democratic front-runners? Oh... right. Shit.

What do all of the past presidents have in common? Can you spot it? They're all white. And they're all dudes. At this point, the record of political parties running white dudes can be called, without fear of contradiction, "fairly solid".

Unless I missed a conference call on the eradication of racism and gender-bias, this probably isn't going to help our chances. Why is it that Democrats are so much better at actually running the country, but don't know the first thing about running an election campaign? Do we really have to start by handing them a wedge issue?

Candidates, meet me over at camera three...

I know I said in the past that you should run, Hillary, and I was serious then. It's not like the Republicans can find any new dirt on you at this point, right? But the American people, they're not so into you. Some of us are, baby, don't look at me like that, but those other guys just don't like you "that way". You know, the voting way. Any other election, and I'm behind you, babe. But the stakes are high, and we just can't afford to take a chance on this one. We couldn't get Geraldine Ferraro elected vice-president, and people didn't hate her nearly as much as they hate you.

And Barak, dude... Seriously? You're still a freshman congressman. Freshmen don't get to be homecoming queen. I know all your advisors are telling you to capitalize on your popularity. But you know what? If you've already peaked in your first term, I'm not so sure I want you to run the country. If you even think that you've peaked, you're probably not the right guy for the job. When you're going toe-to-toe with Putin, you don't want to be wondering if your best years are already over. You have no idea how angry it makes me that you are pissing away a great political career by running for president now.

Just think about what I said... and Hillary, hon, if you ever dump that skirt-chasing doofus, call me.

OK, I'm back.

Look, I'm what one of my old poli-sci professors described as a Yellow Dog Democrat: I'd vote Democrat even if they ran an old yellow dog. I'll vote for them. That was never a question. I like both of them. They'd probably both be good presidents, but they're lousy candidates. If one of them wins, I'll be happy as a clam. ...probably because I'll also be counting my lottery winnings with my supermodel trophy mistress at my villa on Mars.

Just promise me this. When they lose, nobody on either campaign ever gets to work in politics again, OK?

Let something good come out of this.