Monday, May 21, 2007

A Man, A Flan, A Canal... Panama?

The lovely and talented Flannery Alden took a moment away from showing off her most excellent taste in hats and her mad Photobucket skills to ask me some questions. Unfortunately, all I've brought to the party are some smartass answers and this most bogus introduction.

1. You're new to the blogging jungle, how has your blog changed your life?

Great. Now I have Welcome To The Jungle stuck in my head. Thanks, Flan.

It may surprise you to find that witty banter makes up a vanishingly small part of my job. In fact, most people I work with would probably say that the less entertaining I am, the better. They're considerably older than I am and see me as a dangerously unpredictable live wire. When we had a meeting in the Netherlands, I was on the receiving end of not one, but two lectures skating around the idea that I shouldn’t scarper off to Amsterdam. They didn’t actually come right out and say that they suspected that I might spend the week in a blur of hookers, wooden shoes, and pot, but they were clearly not ready to rule out the possibility.

Where was I? Oh yes... my job is not funny. Blogging gives me an outlet for humor that doesn’t involve vivisecting my coworkers. (I know that doesn’t sound funny now, but I didn’t tell you the part about the monkey.)

The best part is that since I started blogging, I’ve been reading all of your blogs, and now I've got a whole new circle of friends that I talk to practically every day. Yay! It’s nice to communicate with other adults about things other than work, coaching, or children. Hey! Speaking of your blogs, shouldn’t you guys be writing something? Quick, entertain me!

2. Does anybody read books anymore? Do you? If so, what? If not, why not?

I was feeling cynical and grumpy when I wrote that. Errr... more cynical and grumpy than usual. Because my Local Independent Book Seller (TM) displays an unhealthy predilection for overpriced, large-format trade paperbacks, I’ve recently started going to the library again. Happily, we have a great library just a few blocks from our house, so I’ve been picking up a book or two almost every weekend. I read The Neil Gaiman Reader not too long ago. Some of it was, I thought, overly analytical, but the interviews were nice. I picked up the new Amy Sedaris book at the same time, and it was really funny. I ripped through You Suck, A Love Story in one lazy Sunday morning recently. Sue picked that one out; I thought it was really entertaining, she didn’t. However, this is my blog, so it's really only my opinion that counts. Booyah!

Lex and I both read Monster Blood Tattoo recently, and we’re looking forward to the sequel. I just picked up Book Crush (the young adult version of Book Lust) for the kids to find some summer reading, but I haven’t had a chance to look through it myself yet.

We’re looking at vacation plans now, so recently it’s been travel guides to the Midwestern states and the Project Censored 2006 report.

3. What annoys you the most in this world?

That’s a toughie. Where do I draw the line between things that annoy me and things that actually make me angry? I guess my biggest annoyance would have to be people who are inconsiderate of those around them, people who think that their convenience is more important than anyone or anything else. When Cafe Paradiso had to put up a little note at the cash register that you should please stop using your cell phone while you are ordering, I was stunned. Were these people raised by wolves?

People who jog in the street instead of on the sidewalk two feet away, people who abandon items in a store instead of taking them back to where they took them off the shelf, people who litter, people who insist upon driving under the speed limit just because they aren’t in a hurry, people who talk loudly during movies, people who obstruct traffic by riding bikes on major thoroughfares instead of taking a less busy street just a block away, people who think nothing of blathering on their cell phone in public places, all of you... what is your problem? Show a little couth. The world does not revolve around you.

It revolves around me.

4. You have a sharp mind in general, but you are especially insightful when it comes to politics; Do you think you'll ever run for office?

Thanks for the compliment. My interest in politics is a relic of my misspent youth. Coincidentally, since it was how I met Johnny, and since he talked me into blogging, it's the reason that I'm here. Hey, look who's there in the comments.

I was once president of an elementary school PTA, does that count? I think I’m unelectable for any office much higher than that, for which you should all be profoundly thankful.

I’ve thought a little about getting involved in the local Democratic machine, because I think it needs to return to a more grassroots mode. If I can’t afford to go to your fund raisers, then you’re probably not reaching the average voter. The big downside to that idea is that it would require a lot of time and effort, and they really don’t represent my views all that well. How much work do I really want to put into the lesser of two evils?

5. Death is not an option; which do you choose and why? 1. Lunch with Britney Spears at an open air cafe. 2. Golf outing with W., The Donald, and O.J. or 3. One year in Guantanamo in a cell between John McCain and Rosie O'Donnell.

When you say death is not an option, do you mean mine or theirs? If it’s just mine that’s off the table, then let me at the golf outing and start a pool taking bets on who takes the first booze-fueled driver to the noggin and how long it takes before Secret Service wrestles me to the ground.

Actually, that would probably be a two-fer. I’m guessing that engaging in berserk hijinks near the Resident would probably get me that stay in Guantanamo. I’m sure it wouldn’t be all bad; if I could spend the year heckling McCain, then having a cell next to Rosie would probably be tolerable. And I’ve always wanted to visit Cuba, so that’d be nice.

However, I think I’ll go to lunch with Britney. She’s got that "crazy chick" thing going for her, so it would probably be entertaining, and I’d get a meal out of it, which is always a plus. I’ll just have to keep an eye on any cutlery that’s within her reach.


Tanya Espanya said...

I love reading the round of interviews going around.

Doc said...


Flannery only asks the HARD HITTING questions!


Flannery Alden said...


...Though I must admit, I always put stuff back in the wrong place when I'm shopping and I decide against buying it. Just thought you should know.

lulu said...

You SSuck: A Love Story is one of Moore's weakest book; I don't know if you've read him before, but if not, check out Lamb or Practical Demonkeeping, which are among his best.

Coaster Punchman said...

I was in fact raised by wolves, but we didn't have cell phones in the forest so the counter ordering thing never became an issue.

Natalie said...

I can't stand people on phones when ordering. It's not that hard to say "hold on" or "I'll call you back". People that keep headphones on when buying things also bother me.

Johnny Yen said...

My responses in the order of your responses:

1. I think your job is probably like mine-- funny in that Kafkaesque way that we'll only find funny when we're no longer in those jobs.

2. Don't lie-- I've been to your house. I saw that the Jaqualine Suzanne and Sydney Sheldon books you thought you had well-hidden.

3. You're right about everything in that response, except that the world revolves around me.

4. Don't lie about you and I meeting through politics-- it was alcohol consumption that brought us together. Politics was a nice little sidebar.

5. Let's be honest, you're just hoping for a glimpse of the Brit's coochie. Why not? Everyone else has?

Writeprocrastinator said...

"When you say death is not an option, do you mean mine or theirs?"

Ha-hah! Excellent! BTW, Flannery? I'm still waiting on that Axl dance.

BeckEye said...

I'd love to come on that lunch date with you and Britney.

GETkristiLOVE said...

Please tell us the "part about the monkey!"

deadspot said...

Thanks, Tanya. Can I have some pudding now?

She's crafty, doc.

Oh, Flan, say it aint so. Say it aint so...

Thanks for the suggestions, Lulu. This was the first thing I'd read by him, and I've been meaning to see what else they have. I thought the suburban goths were hilarious.

Well that's OK then, CP. You probably would have had lousy reception anyway.

I know, Natalie. I always listen to my iPod when I'm grocery shopping, but I take the headphones off when I have to check out or go to the deli, even if it means listening to their wretched country and western music. It's not going to kill me to let them know that I'm paying attention to them.

Johnny, 1) Possibly, but it seems unlikely. 2) Planted by the CIA. 3) Everything you said was correct right up until we hit the comma. 4) OK, you've got me there. 5) Everybody loves coochie.

Thanks, WP, and how do I get in on this Flan dance?

All right, Becks, so it's you and me and Britney, then?

And spoil the surprise, Kristi?

Dale said...

Excellent interviewing Flannery! And once again, insightful and funny answers Deadspot. Lulu's right, pick up Lamb and you'll love it.

deadspot said...

She is good, isn't she? It sounds like a consensus... I've got a long weekend coming up, so I'll try to stop by the library and see if they've got a copy of Lamb.