Sheryl Crow: Toilet Fascist

It appears that the Beeb reported a joke as a serious suggestion. Sheryl Crow stated yesterday that the suggestions quoted from her website were a joke. What is the world coming to when we can no longer mock our celebrities with the assurance that their foolish statements have been accurately reported in the correct context? Because my journalistic standards are so much higher than the BBC's, I've beaten them to the punch with a retraction.

Well played, Ms. Crow.

Sheryl Crow has decided to weigh in on important world issues. Finally, a B-list celebrity who has thoughts on world events and is unafraid to share them. Now we can make some progess.

First up: she's decided that you should only use one square of toilet paper per visit. Come on, even Rimmer used three: one up, one down, and one to polish. She spent "the better part of her tour" working on this, and this is what she has come up with to stop global warming: We should all smell of ass.

"I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting," she said. I'll not make a joke about the paperwork involved in legislating and enforcing this. I'm sure you can write your own.

Next up: We should wear clothing with detachable "dining sleeves" so that we can wipe our mouths on our sleeves at dinner instead of using napkins. Um, Sheryl... manners don't cause global warming.

Coincidentally, Sheryl has designed a line of clothing with dining sleeves. I'm guessing she won't face much competition in the niche demographic of "People who are uncouth enough to wipe their face on their sleeve, but still care enough not to want everyone to know what they had for dinner."

No word from Sheryl on the waste and ground water polution generated in the production of vaguely folkish alterna-rock CDs and fake blondes, but maybe she can work on that during her next tour.