They Should Always Listen To Me

It’s nice to see that the Top Chef judges are reading my blog. That wasn’t so hard, was it? Meanwhile, Dopey Opie is back home going, "Dubbleyuh tay ayuff?" ...but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The show opens: Micah’s not a morning person! She talks about herself in the third person! She’s quirky! Sandee actually works at looking that bad! Now she’s doing Tard Chi in some really unfortunate red pajama bottoms! Hung is a tiny little tough guy! Look at him do push ups! And now, off to the Quickfire challenge!

Pimp My Citrus
The guest judge is... some guy I’ve never heard of who helped found a cuisine that I didn’t realize existed. I’m confused, is Miami a Sound Machine or a cuisine? The Quickfire challenge is to make dishes that highlight Florida citrus fruit. The Florida Citrus Board wet themselves in excitement and hand the producers a briefcase full of cash in the back room.

Micah makes some nasty-looking avocado glop with fruit on top, Sara is so freaked out by the judge that she can barely talk, and Sandee put some kind of flowering stick in the drink she served. Alcohol and sticks: the Florida Ophthalmologists Council rub their hands in gleeful anticipation, but the judge takes it out before drinking. They all end up at the bottom.

Joey makes a watermelon/Grand Marnier shooter to serve with his dish. The judge thinks it's so good that he should be a bartender too, but it’s not enough to get him into the top 3. Psst, Joey, watermelon isn’t a citrus fruit.

Hung, Tre, and Lurch are in the top 3 with... dishes that I don’t really remember. Hung wins the challenge and can’t be eliminated. Joey’s pissed because Lurch left a seed in his dish and still beat him.

I Want To Eat Like Common People Do
The Elimination Challenge... I’m sorry, the Kingsford Charcoal Elimination Challenge, is Upscale Barbecue. Oxymorons, they’re not just for breakfast any more. Next season, they should do this like ASSCAR, and make the chefs wear sponsor logos on their chef’s jackets.

Yikes, Sara can’t do simple math. At the meat case, someone has to point out that 20 times $10 is $200 and she’s about to spend her entire budget on one item. Yes, Sara, budgets do suck.

Micah, on the other hand, buys the lamb because it's on sale. Curious strategy for a competition, but one we are all familiar with.

Back in the kitchen, Tre talks a lot of shit about Texas Barbecue. Texans stop getting their little doggies along to hoot and holler. Viewers in the other 49 states roll their eyes. Hung runs around the kitchen like a maniac, knocking things over and breaking shit.

Brian’s making seafood sausage, which doesn’t look nearly as disgusting as it sounds. Take that, Otto von Bismarck!

Sara is on fire! Or at least her hands are... What kind of chef cuts hot peppers using their bare hands? Wait. She used a knife. She’s not some kind of Edward Scissorchef. I mean she didn’t wear gloves. And she doesn’t know that Scotch Bonnet peppers are hot. She’s cute, but not real smart, our Sara. That dish is going in the garbage tomorrow.

Prep is done, and the next morning we’re off to the party to grill some food.

...unless you’re Sandee, who is braising lobster in vanilla butter. Two great tastes that, well, never mind.

Sara has "barbecued a lot" but has never actually "started a fire". Isn’t that cute? The girls are all bad at barbecue. In a series of stereotype-reinforcing quick cuts, they put about 30 gallons of lighter fluid on the charcoal, have no idea how much charcoal to use, and can’t operate a lighter. Hey, Kingsford, throw ‘em a bone. Spring for the Matchlight next time.

Ho, snap! Hung is a dick. Now he’s serving some sort of watermelon cocktail and Joey is pissed again. Hung is unrepentant.

Brian lays on the charm and the judges have to muscle their way through the overdressed, adoring crowd to get a taste of his mad fish dogs.

Last Mohawk Standing
The judges call in the top three chefs: Micah’s discount lamb was great, and they like that Micah’s family always had it at their barbecues; Sara doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing, but her Vietnamese BBQ is good, and she had excellent portion control; Brian’s surprise seabrats and sweet chili slaw were a big hit. Brian wins! Not bad for a talking dog.

There was so much suck that the judges pick a bottom four: Tre proves that Texans don’t know shit about barbecue while we all point and laugh, the judges hate that Joey’s family always had chicken wings at their barbecues, Howie’s jerked pork was dry and not "upscale" enough, and Sandee didn’t even make barbecue... and it just tasted like vanilla butter.

For some reason they ask Joey who should go home. He shows that he is an enormous tool by picking Howie, the one person whose food he didn’t actually taste. Golf clap. Way to go, Joey. The judges mock him briefly and then send them out.

What do you know? A tiny bald guy who overcompensates by being an aggressive, obnoxious jerk, who could have predicted that? Howie does a lot of posturing and makes a lot of noise while we wait for the judges to decide.

Tre has the producer’s Highlander: There Can Be Only Two Immunity this round, but it is irrelevant. The judges have read my blog and they send Sandee packing for not actually doing the challenge.

I predict another roller coaster ride next week. Sara is plenty telegenic, but she just doesn’t seem to know what she’s doing.